TROJICA
Rekao sam ženi:
”Vidi koliki pauk na posteljini … sad’ ću da mu jebem mater! ”
Žena me je pogledala, njene oči nisu skrivale očaj i duboku neizvesnost za budućnost bebe koju je ljuljala pored kreveta, u krevetcu.
Lupio sam jako na mesto gde sam video pauka, vidim ga jasno i dan danas ali fleke od udarca i njega mrtvog nisam video ni tada, ni sada u sećanju, prosto, halucinacija je bila veoma jaka. Snažna alkoholna halucinacija, uvod u delirijum tremens.
Zaspao sam, lako. Sledeći dan bio je već pri sumraku. Pokušao sam da se setim gde sam ostavio flašu votke. Imao sam nekoliko mesta za štek ali žena ih je pronalazila i po ko zna koji put praznila flaše u WC-šolju. Uvek je bacala sve, od kako je prestala da konzumira psiho-aktivne supstance, pošteđen je bio samo heroin. Najverovatnije nije mogla da predpostavi kako bih reagovao da je bacila H. Bolje da je tako. I sad, dok ovo pišem, ni sam ne znam kako bih reagovao, iako je dosta godina prošlo kako mu ni miris nisam osetio ali u meni se i sada pri pomisli na H. koji završava u WC-šolji razvija neprijatna teskoba.
Izlazim i vraćam se na sumrak kući tog dana, kad polako ulazim u kuću sa ispijenom flašom votke od sedam decilitara u ruci. Strašna je ta količina koja je mene samo dovela u redovno alkoholičarsko stanje. Popio sam to veče i par tableta za smirenje da bih obuzdao ludilo.
Bilo je vreme da odem do radnje i pokupim pazar. Posle toga da kupim za ženu i dete šta treba da popijem par čašica sa ortacima i odnesem namirnice kući.
Žena je pratila Simpsonove. Gledao sam i ja.
Ovog puta sam rešio da izađem. U to vreme sam izlazio sam, uvek sam se nadao da ću nekog sresti u gradu u nekom od klubova.
Sada nije bilo tako. Vozikao sam se taksijem i obilazio Beograd, nigde nije bilo nikoga koga znam. Gde god sam ušao, pio sam još i još i gledao unaokolo da li neko duva, kako bih se priključio.
Ništa od duvanja i prijatnog ćaskanja.
U jednom od klubova gledao sam tupo u šankera ili šankericu i razmišljao šta je od klubova preostalo.
Prekid.
Klubski WC. Ogroman zvučnik. Opet šank. Neki momak. Neka devojka. Plafon. Pod. Usamljeno mračno mesto. Rupa u zidu gde je davno udario metak i meni prošao pored glave. Brz hod. Votka...
Trebala mi je marihuana da razbistrim mozak.
Potrošio sam toliko para koliko je nekome dovoljno da se prehrani za mesec dana.
Noćni Klub “Dolar” , setio sam se, njega te noći nisam posetio. Zovem taksi i ispred kluba sam vrlo brzo.
Veoma dobra atmosfera. U to vreme sam voleo da me po glavi lupa Goa trance i dobar Drum&Bass.
Naleteo sam na pravu žurku. Skakao sam ludo, pio još ludje. Tada sam snimio ekipu koja izlazi… duvanje je servirano, krenuo sam za njima. Zapalili su čim su izašli iz kluba. Odmah sam pitao da se pridružim, znao sam neka lica i oni su znali mene. Nije bilo problema. Marihuana je bila jaka, veoma jaka.
Vratio sam se u klub na prstima, mislio sam da ću poleteti. Znoj je probio majicu, probio je i pantalone. DJ je savršeno vezivao. Više nisam imao potrebu da pijem.
Mislim da bi bilo savršeno veče u ”Dolaru” da se nije dogodila stvar koja me je potpuno izbacila iz ravnoteže, pravi nokaut.
U maloj pauzi, kada sam se povukao sa glavnog svetla u polumrak, približio mi se mladić i pogledao me značajno.
Uzvratio sam ”drskim” još značajnijim pogledom.
”Kako je u Žarkovu ?”… - lukavi osmeh mu zaigra na licu.
Pogledao sam ga ludački.
„Izvini…” - rekoh preneraženo “… znam li ja tebe momak… „ - ovog momka mislim da nisam nikada upoznao i uostalom posle ”afere” , malo je ljudi znalo da sam se i gde, preselio.
Pomerio sam se od momka koji je svojim pitanjem rasplamsao u meni najgoru paranoju.
Besan i dosta uplašen sam odlučio da napustim klub i dobru atmosferu.
Upravo na izlazu naletoh na Mišu. Rekoh da moram da idem.
”Murija je unutra brate… ne prija mi to nikako”
”Ma daj, čoveče, isrtipovao si se gadno, uvek je murija tu... Pa šta?..” - Miša, koji je uvek imao srdačan osmeh, nije mi poverovao.
Nisam ga poslušao i nisam ostao. Izašao sam na ledenu ulicu. Mraz je ujedao.
Izvadio sam mobilni telefon i pozvao taksi. Vratio sam telefon u džep.
Taksi je brzo stigao. Lisičja faca mi je poželela dobro jutro. Odvratih kulturno sa zadnjeg sedišta i rekoh adresu.
Otvorio sam ponovo oči negde na izlazu sa Banovog Brda.
Pogledao sam u retrovizor i ukrstio pogled sa taksistom koji je bio spreman na sve.
Sedeći u svom duvanskim dimom napušenom vozilu, čutao je i vozio.
Napokon ugledah zgradu u koju sam se doselio par meseci ranije.
Taksi je stao. Faca je rekla cifru, pogledao sam u taksimetar, cifra je bila OK.
Uzeo sam novčanik i platio mu, ali tad osetih da pored novčanika nije mobilni telefon, koji sam tu stavio kad sam pozvao vozilo.
Paranoja i hladnoća koji su me dobro rastreznili dozvolili su mi da se jasno setim da sam u taksi ušao sa telefonom i novčanikom, ključevi od stana su mi i ovako uvek zakačeni za gajku od pantalona … to je uostalom sve što sam kod sebe posedovao…
„Izgleda da mi je ispao mobilni telefon, na sedište, dok sam dremao, mogu li da pogledam malo…”
”Može momak, ali ga ja nisam video.“ - ova rečenica mi zazvoni u ušima.
”Čekaj malo, ja sam ipak na zadnjem sedištu a ti voziš, šta si imao da vidiš ili ne vidiš…” mislio sam brzo…
”Ja ne samo da ne mogu da ti platim… - rekoh, “…već ovo moram da prijavim kada se popnem u stan…“
”Oćeš da kažeš da sam ti ja ukro' mobilni?!!!” - faca je nakazno pobesnela.
”Da !” - izađoh brzo iz taksija i zalupih vrata.
”Kome ti lupaš auto !!!”
”Tebi mamicu ti jebem krvavu”, teško i jako gadno sam opsovao, što je taksistu podstaklo da pobesni.
Pojurio sam brzo, uleteo u stan i odmah izašao na terasu. Taksista je gledao ka meni, nije se vraćao u auto.
”Pičketino glupa, jebem te u usta… mislio si da neću da vidim a !!?? ” - urlao sam na njega.
”E, sad ćeš da vidiš koliko će da te košta taj mobilni !”
Uzeo sam praznu flašu i pogodio taksisti haubu od automobila.
Strašno je urlao, uzimao je nasumice kamenje i u besu, sve bezuspešno bacao ka meni. Kada se malo pribrao, ušao je u auto i uzeo radio stanicu u ruke.
”Sada češ da zažališ, što si …”
Prekinuh ga u svom alkoholnom besu:
”Šta je kurvo, ’si zvao ortake ... e' za tvoju informaciju ovde spava žena sa malim detetom a vrata ćete morati da razvalite... broj ti je već zapisan i evo zovem muriju... kako ti se to svidja... mamu ti jebem ...”
Za nepunih desetak minuta stigoše još dva taksi vozila. Ja miliciju iz nekog ludog inata još nisam zvao i čekao sam na terasi da vidim šta će se dalje desiti nalivajući se votkom.
Sada ih je bilo trojica !
”Lepo se vi organizujete!!!” - uzeo sam flaše sa terase, kojih je bilo podosta i bacao ih na njih.
”Ajd’ pičko, siđi dole ako smeš !” - zaurla jedan od njih.
Samo bi ludak uradio ono što sam ja tada uradio i smatram da sam dobro uradio, mada ne mogu da kažem da se stanje u kome sam se nalazio nije graničilo sa ludilom. Popio ostatak votke na eks i sišao do njih, na sneg, spreman za tuču.
Osetio sam kako sam jednog od njih jako udario u glavu.
Zatim sam osetio jak udarac u potiljak. Dalje nisam ništa osećao, ali oni su se dobro umorili na meni, šutirali su me desetak minuta i nestali.
Ostao sam da ležim još toliko u veoma toplom, nežnom, snežnom blatu.
Zatim sam se pridigao i kao da se ništa nije desilo, vratio u stan.
Pogledao sam nežno ženu i krvavom rukom pomilovao bebu.
Three
I said to the woman:
"Look at the size of the spider on the bedclothes... now I'm going to fuck his mother!" ”
The woman looked at me, her eyes did not hide the despair and deep uncertainty for the future of the baby she was rocking next to the bed, in the crib. I hit hard on the place where I saw the spider, I can still see it clearly to this day, but I didn't see the marks from the impact and him dead even then, simply, the hallucination was very strong. Strong alcoholic hallucination, a prelude to delirium tremens. I fell asleep, easily. The next day it was already dusk. I tried to remember where I left the bottle of vodka. I hid bottles in various places, but my wife found them and emptied the bottles into the toilet bowl for the umpteenth time.
She was always throwing away everything, ever since she stopped consuming psychoactive substances. She wasn't throwing heroin away. She probably couldn't have guessed how I would have reacted if she had thrown the H. It had better be that way.
I immediately went to the store. I returned home with an almost finished seven-deciliter bottle of vodka. It's a terrible amount of alcohol that only brought me to a regular alcoholic state. I also took a couple of tranquilizers that night to control the madness. Somehow I realized then, but only somewhere deep subconsciously, that I won't be able to live like this for much longer, in a few years it turned out to be true...
It was time to go to the store and pick up some groceries. After that, I should buy something for my wife and child, have a couple of drinks with my partners and take the groceries home.
The woman followed The Simpsons. I watched it too.
This time I decided to go out. At that time I was going out alone, always hoping to meet someone in the city at one of the clubs.
It wasn't like that now. I drove a taxi around Belgrade, there was no one I knew anywhere. Everywhere I went, I drank more and more and looked around to see if anyone was smoking marijuana, so I could join.
There was no smoking or pleasant chatting.
In one of the clubs, I stared blankly at the bartender and thought about what was left of the clubs.
A break.
Club toilet. Huge speaker. The bar again. Some guy. Some girl. Ceiling. Floor. A lonely dark place. A hole in the wall where a bullet hit and passed my head a long time ago. Fast walk. Vodka...
I needed marijuana to clear my mind.
I spent enough money to feed someone for a month.
Nightclub "Dolar", I remembered, I did not visit it that night. I call a taxi and I'm in front of the club very quickly.
Very good atmosphere. At that time, I liked to be pounded in the head by Goa trance and good Drum&Bass.
I ran into a real party. I jumped like mad and drank even madder. Then I filmed the team coming out... the joint was served, I followed them. They caught fire as soon as they left the club. I immediately asked to join, I knew some faces and they knew me. There was no problem. Marijuana was strong, very strong.
I tiptoed back into the club, I thought I was going to fly. Sweat penetrated his shirt, he also penetrated his pants. The DJ was "pumping" perfectly. I no longer needed to drink.
I think it would have been a perfect evening at the "Dollar" if something had not happened that threw me completely off balance, a real knockout.
In a small pause, when I retreated from the main light into the semi-darkness, a young man approached me and looked at me meaningfully.
I responded with a "cheeky" even more significant look.
"How is it in Žarkov?"... - a sly smile played on his face.
I looked at him madly:
"I'm sorry..." - I said in shock "... do I know you guy..." - I don't think I've ever met this guy and after all, after the "affair", few people knew that I had moved and where.
I moved away from the guy who had ignited the worst paranoia in me with his question.
Angry and quite scared, I decided to leave the club and the good atmosphere.
Right at the exit, I ran into Misha. I said I had to go.
"The plainclothes police are inside, brother... I don't like it at all"
"Come on, man... you're tripping... the police are always there... So what?..." - Misha, who always had a warm smile, didn't believe me.
I didn't listen to him and I didn't stay. I went out onto the icy street. The frost was biting outside.
I took out my cell phone and called a taxi. I put the phone back in my pocket.
The taxi arrived quickly. The fox face wished me good morning. I spoke politely from the back seat and said the address.
I opened my eyes again somewhere at the exit from Banovo Brdo.
Sitting in his smoke-filled vehicle, the taxi driver drove in silence.
I finally saw the building I had moved into a few months before.
The taxi stopped. The face said the number, I looked at the taximeter, the price was OK.
I took my wallet and paid him, but then I realized that there was no mobile phone next to the wallet.
The paranoia and the cold cleared me up and allowed me to clearly remember that I got into the taxi with my phone and wallet, the keys to my apartment were always attached to my pants... after all, that's all I had with me...
"Looks like I dropped my cell phone on the seat while I was napping, can I have a look..."
"Maybe a guy, but I haven't seen him." - this sentence rang in my ears.
"Wait a minute, I'm still in the back seat and you're driving, what did you have to see or not see..." I thought quickly...
"I not only can't pay you... - I said, "... I have to report this when I get into the apartment..."
"Are you going to say that I stole your cell phone?!!!" - the face was freakishly furious.
"Yes !" - I quickly got out of the taxi and slammed the door.
"Whose car are you hitting!!!"
"Fuck you bloody mother," I cursed hard and very badly, which made the taxi driver furious.
I rushed quickly, ran into the apartment, and immediately went out on the terrace. The taxi driver was looking at me, not getting back into the car.
” Fuck you … you thought I wasn't going to see huh!!?? ” - I roared at him.
"Well, now you're going to see how much that cell phone will cost you!"
I took an empty bottle and hit the taxi driver's hood.
He roared terribly, picked up stones at random, and, in anger, threw them all at me to no avail. When he regained his composure, he got into the car and took the radio station in his hands.
"Now you're going to regret being..."
I interrupted him in my drunken rage:
"What the hell, you called your friends... for your information, a woman with a small child is sleeping here and you'll have to break down the door... your number is already written down and I'm calling the police... how do you like it?" .. I'm fucking your mom ..."
In less than ten minutes, two more taxis arrived. Out of some crazy spite, I didn't call the police yet and I waited on the terrace to see what would happen next, pouring myself a vodka.
Now there were three of them!
"You organize yourself nicely!!!" - I took bottles from the terrace, of which there were quite a few, and threw them at them.
"Come on pussy, come down if you can!" - roared one of them.
Only a madman would have done what I did then, and I think I did well, although I cannot say that the state I was in did not border on madness. He drank the rest of the vodka on the ex and went down to them, on the snow, ready for a fight.
I felt hit one of them hard on the head.
Then I felt a strong blow to the back of my head. I didn't feel anything further, they kicked me for ten minutes and disappeared.
I lay still so long in the very warm, soft, snowy mud.
Then I stood up and returned to the apartment as if nothing happened.
I looked tenderly at the woman and caressed the baby with a bloody hand.
EX EX : Ja Sam Čovek
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